The Stunticons Make a Movie
by MadnessJones
Summary: G1: Drag Strip wants to make a movie to show off how awesome Decepticons are, and he recruits the rest of his gestalt to help him. Oneshot. No pairings.


_Author's Notes: Yes, yes, yes! I've finally managed to write a fic starring my favorite gestalt team, the Stunticons! I probably would've done one sooner, but every idea I had was either taken or lousy. To be honest, I hate to admit even having favorites in the Transformers franchise because there are so many good characters to work with, but I did only say these guys were my favorite gestalt. Probably because I can tell them apart *cough*Constructicons*cough*. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story :)_

* * *

 **The Stunticons Make a Movie**

It all started with the Academy Awards. The Stunticons were in their common room on the Nemesis watching TV, and Drag Strip insisted on watching the Academy Awards show, much to the chagrin of everyone else on the couch. Drag Strip would watch anything that involved trophies or competition, and this annual event was just one more thing.

"You know Motormaster is just going to make you change the channel when he gets here," Dead End pointed out as he stared at the inane display of sequin gowns and tuxedos parading on the big screen.

"I don't care. Until he gets back I'm in charge of the remote, and I wanna watch the awards show!" Drag Strip retorted, "You know, I could win me an Oscar if I really wanted one."

"No you couldn't," Breakdown contested, "They give those out for making movies. You've never made a movie, and I bet you don't even know how."

"I do too!" Drag Strip argued; defending his wounded pride, "All you need is a camera and some actors. Oh, and a story to tell. I could make a movie that the squishies would talk about for years! It would be the greatest movie ever! They would have to invent new award categories just to proclaim how awesome it is! It would be easy!"

"Why would you bother?" Dead End asked derisively, "It's not like movies matter in the long run. Eventually we'll all be dead, and no one will care about the silly little pieces of entertainment that flickered on our screens way back when. It just seems pointless."

"That's where you're wrong!" Wildrider objected, "Movies do matter! They're the way humans express their culture, the way they teach their kids not to steal stuff or pick their noses, and the way they convince people to buy stuff! Movies can be quoted, researched, beloved, and bring the imagination to life! Why do you think so many people worship Batman?"

"They don't worship Batman," Breakdown corrected him, "Well...I don't think they do. It doesn't matter right now. The point is I think Wildrider has a point."

"You do?" Drag Strip asked skeptically.

"Yeah, it's like he said, movies dictate human culture," Breakdown explained, "If we made a movie showing how awesome and invincible Decepticons are, then the humans would be forced to accept us as their rulers no questions asked. They would probably erect monuments in our honor, and send us energy directly to our fortress here under the ocean."

"Heh heh! Erect..." Wildrider giggled immaturely.

Just then, Motormaster came into the common room and saw that the TV was on the Academy Awards show, and scowled.

"Turn that slag off!" Motormaster's voice boomed and caused his gestalt team to flinch in unison, "We have training to do! Megatron won't accept a lazy combiner team, so move it!"

"Um, Motormaster? Could I speak to you about something?" Drag Strip asked; careful not to upset his big scary brother, "Me and the others were just talking, and we think we've got a great way to make the squishies love Decepticons and get them to give us all their energy."

Motormaster harrumphed and said "Yeah, what is it?"

"We're gonna make a movie!" Wildrider shouted cheerfully yet tactlessly.

"What?" Motormaster asked flatly.

"Yeah, we're gonna make a film that will show the humans how great and mighty we are!" Drag Strip added enthusiastically, "Humans listen to whatever movies say, so if we make a cool enough movie then they'll give us all their stuff!"

"Heaven forbid we do this for the sake of self-expression," Dead End muttered for his brothers to hear (yet ignore).

"Hm...Okay, we can make the movie, on one condition," Motormaster said gruffly, "If I like the script, then I get the best part. Nobody upstages me! Got it?" He shook his fist for emphasis.

They all nodded at once and gave off a chorus of "Yes, Motormaster" and "Sure thing, Boss". Motormaster smiled in smug satisfaction and pushed Drag Strip off the edge of the couch so he could sit down. He didn't hate Drag Strip more than the others. He just happened to be the one sitting closest to Motormaster at the time. He was mean but impartial.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes as Motormaster flipped through the TV channels trying to find something good on to watch. Finally he stopped it on a news show that was reporting on a bombing in the Middle East. They watched it for a few minutes more, and then Motormaster abruptly turned it off (to the complaints of everyone else on the couch).

"So, who's gonna direct the movie?" Motormaster asked.

"I will!" Drag Strip proudly proclaimed, but then backpedaled and added "I mean, I will if you don't want to, Motormaster."

"Go ahead," Motormaster replied indifferently, "But remember, I get the best part!"

"Yes sir!" Drag Strip replied in clipped tones.

Motormaster smirked at how easily he could scare his gestalt brothers. It was good to be king of the road…

* * *

The next day the Stunticons were on a desert road far away from other cars or any gawking humans or Decepticons. Breakdown was glad for that. He hated it when people stared at him while he was doing something. Heck, he hated it when they stared at him doing nothing, too.

"Okay Breakdown, keep that camera steady!" Drag Strip ordered as he checked his actors one last time, "Alright guys, it's simple. Dead End, you got the dummy?"

"I don't think Wildrider will fit inside me," Dead End replied sarcastically, but then said "Yes, I have the human shaped mannequin in my driver's seat."

"Perfect!" Drag Strip exclaimed, "Alright, this race scene will be the most important one in my script. Motormaster and Wildrider will corner the human car (Dead End) on either side, and then the human will insist on a race to see who is the best. In an action-packed scene with lots of tension Motormaster will win the race, and Wildrider will run over the human when he tries to get out of his car!"

"Wouldn't this work better with a real human?" Wildrider asked.

"Yeah, but the mannequin won't deviate from the script," Drag Strip explained, "Okay, Breakdown will cover the camera angles from the road, and I'll be up on that cliff filming the above shots of you racing by. On my signal!"

Drag Strip then drove up to the cliff top with his camera. Dead End wanted to inform him that he forgot the part where they announce the race, but he assumed his point would be ignored so he didn't even bother stating it.

/Aaand...Action!/ Drag Strip announced over the comm signal.

Motormaster, Wildrider, and Dead End took off and Breakdown kept pace with his camera mounted on top of his Lamborghini alt mode. Motormaster was supposed to take the lead, but Wildrider forgot and started trying to pass him. That ticked off the Stunticon leader, so he started trying to run Wildrider off the road! The two began fighting while Dead End mercifully kept to the back of the group as per his role as the human's car.

Before long Motormaster and Wildrider had transformed into their robot modes and were punching each other like drunken sailors! Dead End thought about crossing the finish line for a cinematic twist, but decided against it and just transformed, too.

/Cut!/ Drag Strip shouted over the comm link.

He slid down the cliff and went back to talk to his crew. This was not what he wanted at all!

"Alright, that was pretty lame, but at least you drove fast for a while," Drag Strip said optimistically, "Maybe there's some footage we can use. Breakdown, let's see what you got."

Drag Strip took the camera from Breakdown to see what was recorded. What he saw nearly gave him a spark attack in frustration! Breakdown had been following the other racers very closely, and therefore had been caught up in all the arid dust kicked up by their tires! The footage was useless!

"Okay, we can still fix this...Let's see my footage," Drag Strip muttered as he examined his own camera.

He tried to find his footage, but then realized he needed to turn the camera on first. He turned it on and searched through the files only to find nothing. That was when it hit him...The camera was off. It had been off the entire time!

"Oh, holy slag!" Drag Strip cursed, "Neither of us got anything!"

"You mean we did all that for _nothing_?" Motormaster growled dangerously, "I can't work like this! I'll be in my trailer!"

Motormaster then proceeded to take his truck bed out of subspace and physically crawl into it. Wildrider started banging on the trailer like a drum with his fists, and the other three started taking bets on how long it would take Motormaster to kill him.

* * *

The Stunticons didn't give up after that fiasco, but Motormaster decided that Drag Strip didn't know what the slag he was doing, and therefore it was up to Motormaster to write _and_ star in the movie. Everyone else agreed after some (less than) gentle persuasion.

First of all he thought the idea of a racing movie was stupid. In order to show how incredibly awesome the Stunticons were they needed an action movie with lots of fight scenes and heroic stuff. Movie protagonists were always doing heroic stuff to show how amazing they were, and therefore so should Motormaster.

The first scene they wanted to film was a heart-pounding opening where the hero (Motormaster) rescued a helpless femme from being run over by Astrotrain. How Drag Strip managed to convince Astrotrain to help with this they never knew.

"Alright Astrotrain, are you ready?" Drag Strip asked.

"Ready whenever you are, Mr. Director!" Astrotrain replied in his echoing voice.

"Alright, cue the femme!" Drag Strip shouted.

Breakdown came in carrying a tied-up Dead End wearing a frilly pink dress and a very peeved expression on his face. At least, it was as close to peeved as Dead End could look without looking like he cared. Breakdown then placed Dead End on the makeshift train tracks and stepped back to start filming.

"Okay Dead End, action!" Drag Strip ordered with a flourish of his arm.

Nothing happened.

" _Say your line!_ " Drag Strip hissed through gritted denta.

"Oh help, save me..." Dead End said in the most bored monotone possible.

"No, say it like you mean it!" Drag Strip insisted.

"Oh help, _save_ me!" Dead End said in a louder but still sarcastic voice.

"Cue Astrotrain!" Drag Strip ordered.

"Eyhahahaa!" Astrotrain gave his hammiest evil laugh as he barreled down the fake tracks.

"Don't worry madam, I'll save you!" Motormaster declared as he brandished his sword and stood in a heroic pose on top of a boulder.

Off to the side, Wildrider started having a giggle fit at hearing Motormaster overact like that. Motormaster thought he was being insulted, so ran for Wildrider and started choking him! Breakdown was distracted by this and started filming the fight instead of Astrotrain and Dead End. Astrotrain, upon seeing his grand performance was being ignored, transformed into robot mode and joined the fight. Now it was a three-way battle, and Dead End was still tied to the tracks out of view of the camera.

Drag Strip looked at his so-called actors and camerabot, and wanted to cry. How were they going to make a movie when his staff was so incompetent?

* * *

Every scene ended with Wildrider and Motormaster fighting, or Dead End yawning, or Breakdown dropping the camera and running away from a perceived threat. This was going nowhere, so Motormaster quit the project in frustration. Drag Strip, Breakdown, and Wildrider still wanted to make the movie though, so they started over with a new script.

The new script was written by Breakdown, and he decided to go in a different direction. He thought the action genre was played out, so he wrote a classic horror and suspense movie. This one would showcase how terrifying the Decepticons were by showing them killing an Autobot on screen. They didn't have an Autobot, so they had to use Dead End, who was disappointed that it wasn't a real snuff film.

This time Drag Strip worked the camera. He held it steadier anyway. Breakdown was the director, and Wildrider would star as the monster. The scene they were working on involved Dead End hiding from Wildrider in the halls of the Nemesis as he skulked around in terror in his fake Autobot sigil.

"Okay, is everyone in position?" Breakdown asked; the anticipation coursing through his circuits, "Okey dokey then, action!"

Dead End started walking down the hallway and almost made it to the corner when Breakdown said "No! Go back and do it again!"

Dead End sighed and walked back to where he was.

"Okay, try it again, but this time I want to feel the fear," Breakdown directed, "Don't just walk like you normally do. Crouch as you walk. Hug the walls. Peer around the corner slowly as if that moment could be your last! Action!"

Dead End did nothing differently, and casually walked down the hall and looked around the corner as if he were crossing the street. Breakdown smacked his forehead and said "Okay Dead End, we'll get your part later. When you feel better. Let's just skip ahead to Wildrider's big reveal."

Drag Strip and Breakdown moved to the corner of the hall where Wildrider was standing at the end of the hallway waiting for his close-up.

"Okay Wildrider, I want a slow eerie upturn to the camera," Breakdown instructed, "Let the lights play off your face, and maybe give us a Kubrick Stare into the camera with your eyes locked on us but your face downturned. Ready? Action!"

Wildrider smiled at the camera and started cackling like a maniac, which was the exact opposite of the subtle movements Breakdown wanted.

"Wildrider, what are you _doing_?" Breakdown asked caustically, "Laughter isn't scary!"

"Sure it is," Wildrider replied cheerfully, "I was impersonating the Joker. The Joker's scary."

"Okay, seriously, you watch too much Batman!" Breakdown snapped impatiently, "I can't work like this anymore! I'll be in Motormaster's trailer!"

* * *

It took a while to convince Breakdown and Motormaster to come back to the project, and by this time everyone was out of ideas for a script. Wildrider said he had a great idea for something they could do, but that it would be a secret until the last possible second. They were all, of course, skeptical. Still, it was better than no script at all.

Wildrider first instructed Dead End to put the frilly dress back on. Then he handed Motormaster two coconuts and put a sombrero on Breakdown's head. He gave Drag Strip a cube of energon and a wrench, and told them all to go to the Stunticon common room.

"Alright guys, listen up!" Wildrider shouted to get their attention, "Breakdown, you start dancing, Motormaster, you start clanking them coconuts together, and Drag Strip, you pour the energon down Dead End's dress and hit him in the head with the wrench!"

"What does any of this have to do with the movie?" Breakdown asked in a whiny voice.

"What movie?" Wildrider asked innocently.

Everyone groaned in unison and left to go to their separate rooms. Wildrider shrugged and drank the energon Drag Strip left behind. Then he thought about a cool idea for reverse moonwalking and worked on that for a few minutes. Then he remembered he was supposed to be doing something with his gestalt, but he forgot what it was.

* * *

Two months had passed. The Stunticons had given up on the movie idea a while ago. Drag Strip made excuses by saying the idea was stupid anyway. He didn't want to admit defeat, so he said none of them could do it because it was beneath a Stunticon anyway.

Wildrider and Breakdown were fine with this development. They preferred to watch movies as opposed to trying to make them. Motormaster went back to his usual routine of pushing them off the couch when he wanted to watch something, and today Wildrider was the unlucky target of wrong time/wrong place on the couch.

"Ow!" Wildrider complained when Motormaster threw him to the floor, "Knock it off! I'm trying to watch Cars 2!"

"Oh yeah?" Motormaster gave him a wicked smirk, and then purposefully changed the channel to public access news because he knew Wildrider hated it, "Say, where's Dead End? He usually likes this scrap."

"He isn't here," Breakdown informed him, "He went out for a drive."

...

Several hundred miles away at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, a film was being showcased to a packed house. It was an independent documentary called Meet Your Doom: The Decepticons In Their Natural Habitat. It was produced and narrated by a newcomer to the festival named Dead End, and the mention of the most hated threat to planet earth had everyone instantly curious.

The movie theatre went dark, and the film began to play to the narration of Dead End.

"Greetings minuscule earth germs, I am Dead End, and I will be your guide on this tour to oblivion. Someday we will all perish, but you will die first, and the deliverers of your eternal reward will be my brothers-in-arms, the mighty Decepticons."

Then the picture changed to a shot of Megatron choking Starscream in the control room while the other 'Cons on duty watched in silence.

"The grey despot you see there is my creator and our mighty leader, Megatron. He is one evil gun-of-a-son, and no my tongue didn't slip, he really turns into a gun, and for some reason he still manages to not be cool," the monotone of that delivery made several in the audience laugh, "The red and silver coward, if you can believe it, is our second-in-command Starscream. Yes, he was really the most qualified to be SIC. That doesn't say much about us, does it? And yet we're still better than you. Sad, isn't it?"

Then the camera panned to the rec room where several mechs were refueling on energon.

"This is the rec room, more commonly known as a cafeteria. See those bright colored cubes? That's energy we stole from your power plants. I might make a documentary on how we refine the energon for consumption someday. That is, if I don't die first. I probably will. If you want to see why my life expectancy is so short, then look no further than my own brothers…"

The next scene was the one where Motormaster and Wildrider were fighting during the botched heroic train sequence of their failed movie.

"The big black and purple one is our leader, Motormaster. He is sadistic, cruel, and loves the Motorola ringtone because he thinks it's talking to him when it says 'Hello, Moto'. The grey one is my insane brother Wildrider. He's our designated terrorist because he's completely reckless. He must be reckless to fight with Motormaster. Perhaps I should fight with Motormaster as well. Then I could be killed and not have to deal with them anymore. Oh, and that yellow mech screaming at them is Drag Strip. He's the best at everything, at least in his own narcissistic opinion. Seriously, whoever you live with has to be more tolerable than my teammates."

Then the camera cut to Breakdown running away from Laserbeak and fleeing into a closet, which caused the audience to laugh again.

"This is my brother Breakdown. I don't have a lot of footage of him because he doesn't like to be filmed. Avert your gaze, puny mortals. Seriously, don't look at him. He hates it when people stare at him, and once he actually popped out a human's eyes when he stared at Breakdown's alt mode too long. He mispronounces words on occasion, but he isn't stupid by any means. Probably my most tolerable gestalt brother."

Then the camera cut to an energy raid, and then a gunfight with the Autobots, and then Starscream and his trine arguing with the Coneheads.

"The Decepticon goal is to conquer the universe in the name of Megatron, but let's be honest with ourselves. The Decepticon purpose is to eat the landscape like a swarm of locusts. In fact, we even have a group of locusts; the Insecticons."

The next shot was of the Insecticons eating a boat. They didn't even notice Dead End was there filming them.

"Yeah...Nobody likes them."

The humans laughed at that sudden admission from their narrator. The movie continued with showing life aboard the Decepticon ship. It showed the beatings, the attempts at power, and most of all the Stunticons working together to achieve common goals.

The final scene of the film was of a dark red Decepticon with a purple visor and wheels on his shoulders sleeping peacefully in a coffin. He got up and addressed the viewers.

"Finally, my name is Dead End, and hopefully I will still look this appealing when I am naught but a corpse. I leave you with this message. You don't have long to live. Enjoy it while you can. At least when you die you will probably die innocent. I will die the way I lived; killing as many of you as possible. Goodnight, fair audience, and farewell."

The audience applauded the movie when it was finished, and eventually it would go on to be nominated for a few minor awards for independent films. Dead End didn't tell Drag Strip or any of the others. They had only cared about making themselves look good, and his movie didn't make _any_ of them look good, not even himself. He did it as a way to showcase his love/hate relationship with the other Decepticons, to express his resignation with the knowledge of his own demise, and to know that for once someone was hanging on his every word.


End file.
